Last week was terrible. I stopped drinking soda, hadn’t had any fast food and it was the week before my period. My body felt rough. Because of some things I don’t really want to dive into now, my emotions were all over the place. I felt like staying in bed everyday and having minimal human contact. On the way home from work Tuesday night, the ARCH played Chumbawamba Tubthumping. That was the last straw. I was sobbing in my car driving up 170.

I took philosophy of anarchy in college. On the first day we went around in a circle and gave pretentious reasons for taking the course. Mine was something along the lines of, “Well, I am a poli sci major and I find the different concepts of the social contract fascinating.” Yes, I was a douche. One by one we all tried to prove our smarts or subversiveness, until Aaron was up. He smirked at the class and said he wanted to take the class because the members of one of his favorite bands Chumbawamba were all anarchists.

About a month ago, I went and saw Fast and Furious 7 in theaters. It was a fun dumb movie until the final scene. A creepy CGI Paul Walker is on a beach playing with is daughter as his friends watch on saying that he is out of the criminal life. This was the movie’s way of paying tribute to Walker after he died in a tragic car accident. The actors’ tears were all real. Before I realized it I was sobbing and I couldn’t breathe. These people will never see their friend again. I will never see Aaron again. I was too embarrassed/couldn’t move. The theatre cleared out with people taking their final glimpses of the hot mess girl. Jordan rubbed my shoulders and said, “those people think you are the biggest Paul Walker fan.” I started laughing and thinking about how dumb Aaron would have thought all that was. He would have liked the idea of people assigning the wrong meaning to my reaction.

One night I spent 6 hours in Aaron’s dorm room playing with tarot cards. He kept making me ask them questions. I was out of ideas after the 1st hour, but he kept pressing me to dig deeper think farther into the future. My butt was numb from sitting on the hard dorm floor and I was ready to go home and go to sleep, but something made me stay. I don’t really know if he knew how to read them, but they always seem to say exactly what I wanted to hear.

He went out of town on a vacation. I never left Kirksville, so I said I would watch Wallace. He asked me to sit in his apartment for a few hours with Wallace since he was a kitten. After looking through all his DVDs, I landed on X Files and then was too scared to walk home. So I looked through his books and texted to let him know I had done a dumb thing and was terrified. Aaron texted back a lol.

During the summer, Aaron had a party at his house. We sat in his room, as we did so many nights, and talked about what we needed to be happy. At the time the list was very short. Good friends, good drinks (really just available drinks) and no work the next day. He picked record after record. We sat in our jorts and tank tops in silence for most of the night, except when he would murmur something about, “this is my favorite part.” I would nod, take a swig of my 40 of Miller High Life and smile. I really couldn’t see past the next few hours, but I knew I was happy just being in that hot stuffy room listening and watching Aaron talk about music and books.

Aaron was there for me when I was heartbroken over a failed relationship that was all bruised ego. Aaron listened when I had spats with my family. He supported me when I felt like a failure and wanted to go hermit, he offered to go buy the beers. Aaron saw something in me at times when I felt invisible and unimportant. I truly loved him. It has been nearly 3 months since we lost him. The day I heard about Aaron I immediately went into friend/big sister mode and wanted to makes sure everyone around me was okay. The funeral, that whole weekend was surreal. I was barely a human. There have been random outbursts of pain when I am in the shower or sitting at my desk, but I have been putting off processing this. Tuesday there was no more waiting.

My head hurt, I was pissed off and I wanted to climb into bed. I was mashing the buttons on my radio looking for anything that wasn’t Chris Brown and there it was. The familiar chorus starting in “I get knocked down, but I get up again. You’re never gonna keep me down”. I was done for. I was sobbing and singing and cursing. I have sat in this feeling for a few days and can’t say that I am feeling better. I don’t know that I will ever “feel better”, but at least I am feeling something about it again. It has never been easy for me to stay long in my feelings, I bury things deep down and only poke at them from time to time. When it comes to this though, not staying in the feelings means not thinking about Aaron. It means burying all that good he did and said. I don’t feel right doing that. So here I am sitting in it man. It fucking sucks and hurts and I want turn it off, but I won’t do that anymore.


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